Let’s Restart This Blog!
Ok here we go! First real blog post here! If you happen to notice that other first post, well that was last year and many months ago, so we will call it an introduction post. So much has happened in the last year that has really impacted who I am as a person. It made me stronger, better, and even a truer version of myself. So we are starting this blog again!! Ready to learn about it? Ready to learn about why I am recommitting myself to this blog? Because I have learned so much I cannot not share! I know I am not the only one that needs the lessons I learned. But before I can tell you all the goodness, I have to explain how it all happened.
Last year I met with someone from my publisher and she challenged me to see beyond a book to sell and to create a brand with a message to tell. She wanted me to inspire people and, honestly, I wanted to do the same. I felt like I had a message to tell, but I had to get beyond some fear. I had developed a fear of failure after I published my first book, because it was not so easy to market myself. How could I write another book if I couldn’t sell the first? How can I uplift and strengthen others if I could not reach them? But I felt really motivated after that meeting and I did great work to move forward despite my fears. Unfortunately, I had some underlying stresses and issues that were plaguing me that I did not entirely see. I had so much pent up worry and stress that I started to fall apart right around the time I was supposed to be creating my platform of inspiration. But what I didn’t know is that that same mess that was about to derail my life, was going to help me make my best self and in turn learn so much more I can share with you.
At the beginning of 2018, my year started out with my dad getting laid off and my mom having a breast cancer scare. I seriously thought everything would be ok. I just felt this peace. But I also felt I needed to be prepared to financially provide for my parents. I knew I could pay the mortgage, but beyond that I was not so sure. To add to that, I am naturally a person that takes on too much. I love pushing the limits of what I think I cannot do. Thus, I think I am a super hero sometimes. Well I was getting by and just staying strong to make it all happen and of course taking on extra projects to help others. Then towards the middle to end of January my dad got offered a job and it was so ridiculously perfect that it was obvious God’s hand was in it. Then that same weekend, we found out my mom’s mass was benign and though she would need a simple surgery to remove it down the road, she was fine. Again, it was obvious God’s hand was so in that beautiful mess, because though it seemed like the walls were coming down, God had pillars of gold behind those crumbling walls. However, I do not think I emotionally recovered from that ordeal. In a matter of 3 days the world went from daunting to literal rainbows. I never really dealt with all of those emotions. I submit that I did not know how. That was too much anxiety for me to just turn off. It felt like my emotional switch got stuck in the anxiety stress mode and I did not know how to flip it back. It was stuck. I was stuck. Problem is, I didn’t realize this until about June when the storm brewed and my solid ground came a tumbling down.
In the spring things started to happen that made my life domino. After my meeting with my publishers, I had some horrible dating experiences that made me really re-inspect what I wanted out of life. Then I went on a trip with friends, that was amazing, but I totally lost control of my emotions for a few hours. It probably wasn’t a big deal, but it was an experience so out of normal behavior for me, I was alarmed. I started to wonder if I was possibly not ok. Then I got the opportunity to work on a speaking engagement that totally aligned with the platform I wanted to pursue. I was so excited. I had a subject I felt inspired to speak about, but there was a problem. The words were not coming together, but in a weird way I had never experienced before. I felt like I could not hear or figure out truly what the spirit was hinting at for me. It was like I had to work harder than usual for inspiration. I also had some events I had to plan for my church assignment, and though it was not a demanding event, the stress was crushing me. Slowly I started realizing, with growing anxiety, I was not doing so well. These events tipped me off that I was not ok and that I actually needed to do something about it.
I realized I could not calm down. Ever. I just jumped from one stress to another. I felt like I couldn’t breathe but that is all I knew. Finally I really talked it out with a friend and I realized I wanted to go to therapy. You know that thing we give so much stigma to. Except have you ever noticed that anyone that actually goes to therapy raves about it? 😉 Ya funny isn’t that? Anyways. I wanted therapy but the hardest part was asking for that help. A friend provided a name of a counselor I really felt good about. I met with a church leader and talked about my feelings, and everyone was in agreement that therapy was going to be a good step for me. I called that counseling office and made an appointment. Oh man that asking for help part was so hard. SO SO HARD! But the best decision I ever made for ME!
Going to counseling literally set me free. I learned so much through counseling, and I hope to share more of my gems with you throughout this year, but I think one huge thing I realized was that I have to make time for me and that I AM WORTH THE HARD WORK! Oh working on yourself and sorting through years of emotions and experiences you have hidden and locked in a trunk, is REALLY hard work. But easily the best feeling and the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I cannot express the freedom and the relief I have had as I have learned to work through my feelings and experiences. I am no expert in psychology nor am I a therapist, but I do know that the skills I learned were some of the most valuable things I could have been given. I am now closer to my Savior. I am closer to myself. I am just better because of the journey I had on my way out of the depths. Now I will always have work to do. Counseling provides you with the tools to make life better, not to get rid of all of your problems. You just learn how to approach things better. Or that is what it did for me.
And what I hope to share with you all are some of the universal truths I learned on my way out of my tunnel. These are things you have all probably heard, but I think I have learned a new perspective on them and I hope that that new perspective may enlighten you and kick start your own journey or give you a fleck of hope you so desperately need.
I promise you are worth it. You are worth going through the hard work. You really can change a lot more than you think, but it takes serious time and commitment. It takes seriously digging and being real and vulnerable. I grew up thinking emotions were bad and logic makes everything work better. Turns out we need both to be healthy. Who knew? Again I am not an expert, and I never want to claim to be, but what I am, is someone that has been where you have been or are right now. And I am telling you if you are on the fence about getting help, or speaking up, or taking that chance on sacrificing for that goal that will make you a better you, it is 100% worth it. You can do ridiculously hard things. And if you know me, you know I have got to end this with saying. You got this!!
Hope you can look forward to more posts. I am not sharing as an expert, but because I know I have been so moved by others that were willing to open their mouths and just speak up about their experiences. It helps others have that opportunity to get that spark or that nudge from the Holy Spirit to say “Hey! You are not alone and there is hope!”
There is always hope.